Am I really supposed to be an artist?

Laying on the couch, snoozing under a cozy blanket, I cannot find the inner peace to go and have a proper sleep, nor do I have the energy to do something that involves standing up. I have a cold. Though I’m happy that the children are at the daycare so I can regain my strength, I almost wish they would be here to prevent me from thinking too much. Once before I’ve written about having a restless mind and how it can be both a gift and a curse. Every once in a while I stop to question my life choices, because new exciting possibilities offer themselves to me. Am I really supposed to be an artist? Does it give me the sense of fulfillment that I seek?

Yes, capturing harmonious colors in a strong composition makes me feel I could conquer anything, but do I need to have an art business to get that? As things are right now, I spend more time learning about marketing, making videos and other business stuff than on the actual act of painting. If I hold my brushes only one day a week, wouldn’t it give me more pleasure to get another job and keep painting for fun? 

Then again, that would make me feel like a failed. I do not turn away from challenge and turning my art business into a profitable one is definitely a challenge to me. 
Distilling the essence of all the branding courses I took, I think the key to succes is to consistently be yourself and tell your own story. I feel I have been doing that for years and still here I am stuck in the same place, seemingly forever. 

Looking back and examining the source of my happiness throughout the years, the most joyful moments in my working life were when I was actually painting. Of every single work I remember my state of mind and my intentions making it, but I can’t recall the joy I felt when selling the piece. Yet, all the marketing and administration I do is in order to sell. So often I doubt whether I’m supposed to be and artist or if it’s best to try and find another source of income. 

In my blogpost On dreams and reality I wrote about how sharing has been recurring theme in everything I ever wanted. Sharing beautiful, joyful or tasteful moments is what makes life worthwhile and in a way that’s also what I seek to do with my art. I want to show people the beauty of the little things. Things that might seem ordinary at first glance, but for me they are special. 
In order to share not only my finished artworks, but also my thoughts and process, I started a YouTube channel. It is great to know that the effort I put in making the videos is valued, but I can’t help regretting the absence of real human connection. When YouTubers talk about being glad to have their ‘community’, I wonder if they really feel that way. 
Nothing beats seeing real faces and people’s emotions in live courses, during art events or exhibition openings. Yet those moments are scarce, because the art scene is moving ever more towards the online world.

In my latest videos there are a lot of still lives. They are going to be exhibited at Galerie Nakai, Tournus, France, this summer. The subjects of my still lives are usually food, which reflects my love for cooking and eating. Growing up in Sardinia I’ve learned what good products taste like. Working in the family restaurant from the age of thirteen, I was passed on the passion for cooking and sharing good food with others. It is a very rewarding thing and every time I have doubts about being an artist, the wish to start my own restaurant starts to pop up. 

pollards trees painting

But this time I figured, with some help from I husband, that the art business is not the problem. It is how I choose to spend my time and specifically where. I’ve been working at home for months and the thought of having to work upstairs in my little studio really creeps me out. That’s why I have been choosing to spend a lot of time doing things apart from painting. 
Wednesday I took the car, which I finally have to my disposal now I have my driver’s license. I went to paint en plein air at borg Ewsum. The effect on my mood was overwhelming. It was so calming, even though I painted only for two hours. The time stood still. 

Don’t you worry, I’m not done being an artist yet. 

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with many of my sketches from the past years.

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